Strange Clouds

I consider myself to be sentimental. Not to the extent to where I can’t let the past be the past. What I mean is that…

The seasons of my life have been characterized by a certain, undefined feeling about them. Some I have forgotten. Like the feelings from my two years at the small Christian school I went to. The memories are still there, but the feeling is gone. I still remember the feelings from the past. Some that are recent, and some that are not so recent.

But today marks the beginning of a new feeling, a new season. I’m not sure how much I like it. It has been the most defined transition of these sentiments of mine that I’ve ever had. I had never felt such a huge change like that just pour over me. All the changes that happened within me before had been so gradual, it seems. Not this one. It just swept over me in an instant.

As I rode in the car with my friends, the driver going aimlessly around town, we weren’t trying to get anywhere. We were just cruising. We laughed and joked, got lost, turned around, found our way. Some techno music was playing. Some rap songs, and some of the most ridiculous stuff I’ve ever heard. It was a blast.

We dropped one friend off. Another techno song came on. The tune was hard and heavy. I enjoyed it. I felt the breeze from the open window in the front passenger side. I loved the feeling, and I rolled down my own window. It was cool. I felt free for a second. I put my hand out of the window, and on the outside of the car. There was a time of suspense where I forgot where I was. I relished it. It felt good.

It didn’t seem to last long though. I was brought back. Something had changed. That feeling… it was different. So suddenly. What changed? I continued to listen to the music, which was, in my mind, no longer just heavy… dark. It was dark too. The feeling of this new season… it was dark. Not in a bad way. It was just mysterious. It was just something I didn’t understand. I had never felt it before. A question. Questions. Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this feeling? Where will I go from here?

Uncertainty? Perhaps. But this was different. I have felt uncertain, undecided. It simply made me uneasy. This was deeper. It is deeper. Just like all the feelings that characterized my life earlier, the feelings were there, but they weren’t. They would shadow over my life at the time no matter where I was. Just like this one is now. This looming uncertainty. Not uncertainty. Am I certain? No, I don’t recall being certain of a lot of things. I know very few things to be true. Only Love can remain true, only God.

So what of this feeling? Is it true? Is something deep inside me trying to tell me something? Am I really that uncertain? What is the mystery? Am I afraid? I’m not sure what I am. I love my life. I love the direction it’s going. I love the people who are helping me to go in that direction. Is something missing? Maybe I’m putting too much stock in these “feelings” of mine, these… strange, unexplainable sentiments.

I don’t know how long this one will be over me. Hopefully not for long… because I, for a time, was certain of my certainty at least. Now, I question it greatly. Where am I really going? What do I love to do? Will answering these questions satisfy this strange feeling? Impossible to know. But I’ll try.