Three years later...

Here I am, three years later. Just signed onto this blog and remembered so much about my walk with Christ, where I've come from, and looking at where I am now... My life is different from the way I dreamed of it being. But I like it. No, I'm not a famous superstar... yet. ;) I'm not posting because I have a lot to write, and this whole thing may be entirely irrelevant. Just killing time, and getting a bit sentimental about this little blog. My life is awesome. Wouldn't trade any moment for any other. I've loved, I've lost, and I'm out to love again. Seriously, I was engaged for two years... it didn't work out. But I've found a woman who's crazy about me, and even crazier about her walk with God, and she is beautiful and shares so many of my passions for life, music, ministry and family. As I'm getting to know her, she and I are taking steps together in Christ and learning to love Him in all that we do. I'm twenty one years old now, and I've taken on pretty much everything I can except for a house of my own. Car payments, insurance, phone, gas, food... My parents are gracious enough to let me stay with them as I try to turn my part-time job into a career... Oh! Speaking of which, I'm back at Publix. My job at Dairy Queen was by far the worst job I have ever had. I quit there and worked at a video game store for a while, and quit there before they went out of business. I went back to Publix where they hired me as a cashier, and later promoted me to customer service staff. I'm looking to be a manager there, since that will help me pay the bills, and it's a great company to work for. I still have a passion for music and writing that I intend to continue to pursue. And God has re-opened in my heart a passion for family, a family of my own, that I've dreamed about silently for many years. I'm still praising God, I'm still goofy and my life is still great! Everyone, if you have access to a computer, and just by some chance, you're reading this, smile! Life is beyond amazing, just hold the hand of perspective, and keep things there. See how good your life is, especially if you're sitting in front of a computer that you have the privilege to have. Some don't even have that, and they're happier with much less. All this to say, I'm happy with my life. I love Jesus. Love one another. This is the happy way.

Check out music from Lead Casket

"Grow up"

It seems like just yesterday everything was so simple. I was fifteen, with plenty of years ahead of me to do what I want and relax and be free.

Those days flew by.

At age eighteen, so much hit me so fast. I NEED to hold a job, I've got to pay for certain things, I'm doing all this college stuff, and I'm getting ready to go out on my own. And it's not easy. In the back of my head, there is a calling to go back to the way things were and to just relax like I was fifteen again. Three years makes a big difference though. I just can't go back to how it was. Things are different, I'm different, and I'm taking on more and more responsibilities.

I think that's fine. It's a part of growing up. In this world, there are things I need to do, things I need to take care of, a life I have to live.

Doing things is a part of expressing your love. Even the mundane things, even working for money that you're just going to give away to someone else for something else that eventually comes back to you. When you do these things, you express your love for life, your intentions to strive for what you want and what you need. Love is an action, and the only true way to express it is to DO what it takes. Work hard, play hard. Be there for people. Don't just talk to them, don't just say things, and don't just pray for them. God calls us to action.
Laugh with them.
Cry with them.
Share a meal with them, in remembrance of Jesus.

These are actions that we need to take.

Growing up, I realize that it's the mundane things that enable us to do just that to the best of our ability. It keeps us stable so that we can help other people. We work so we can afford food so we can eat with people. We work so that we can get gas in our cars to get to our friends in need as quickly as humanly possible. When one acknowledges these responsibilities, it's a sign that he is growing up.

And I'm being called to grow up, and I will fulfil that to the best of my abilities.

Everyone is growing up. Every second is a learning experience. So if you're being called to change, to grow up, don't hesitate. It's part of your call to love. I'll do my best not to hesitate, and I'll grow up as I need.

In all of this, don't forget, grown-ups must remain child-like and remember that anything is possible. Grown-ups don't forget their childhood, they never should. That's where the dreams are, dreams that are worth chasing and worth working for.

Yay for growing up!
It's not easy, but it's a part of life... and it can be fun. Just don't fight it too hard.

I'm Back!

I'm hoping someone missed me. ;)

So, without warning, blogger decided to switch a bunch of stuff up so that I couldn't post on my blog previously. The last entry I was able to post was June of 2009, and though I tried posting more, I couldn't get it to publish. I finally figured out the problem and I solved it (I hope).

So I'm back, and I can post again, and the things I tried to post earlier are also on the blog now! One from November of 09, and another from a little while before then.

So, update on my life... I'm 18 now, I no longer play lacrosse, I work at Dairy Queen, and the band I'm is has played ten shows to date and we're now recording an EP of our originals. I'm still involved with my faith community, which is currently struggling with some issues on how to make people we've invited feel more welcome. It's tough coming into an environment where everyone knows each other already and you don't know anyone. We're working on helping new people feel that we need them there, and that their gifts are greatly appreciated.
Something like that.
I love those people.

Well, I was accepted to every college I applied for my senior year, and I've decided to go to the state college here in Palm Beach for free, with a whole full-ride scholarship deal. After two years, I plan to transfer to a university.

My friend and I are working on our second novel in our series of about five. We still need to get the first one published.

At this moment, I am horribly sunburned, and my back hurts. I feel like I'm falling apart.

That's all for now. I'm back officially, and I'll be posting more soon!

Strange Clouds

I consider myself to be sentimental. Not to the extent to where I can’t let the past be the past. What I mean is that…

The seasons of my life have been characterized by a certain, undefined feeling about them. Some I have forgotten. Like the feelings from my two years at the small Christian school I went to. The memories are still there, but the feeling is gone. I still remember the feelings from the past. Some that are recent, and some that are not so recent.

But today marks the beginning of a new feeling, a new season. I’m not sure how much I like it. It has been the most defined transition of these sentiments of mine that I’ve ever had. I had never felt such a huge change like that just pour over me. All the changes that happened within me before had been so gradual, it seems. Not this one. It just swept over me in an instant.

As I rode in the car with my friends, the driver going aimlessly around town, we weren’t trying to get anywhere. We were just cruising. We laughed and joked, got lost, turned around, found our way. Some techno music was playing. Some rap songs, and some of the most ridiculous stuff I’ve ever heard. It was a blast.

We dropped one friend off. Another techno song came on. The tune was hard and heavy. I enjoyed it. I felt the breeze from the open window in the front passenger side. I loved the feeling, and I rolled down my own window. It was cool. I felt free for a second. I put my hand out of the window, and on the outside of the car. There was a time of suspense where I forgot where I was. I relished it. It felt good.

It didn’t seem to last long though. I was brought back. Something had changed. That feeling… it was different. So suddenly. What changed? I continued to listen to the music, which was, in my mind, no longer just heavy… dark. It was dark too. The feeling of this new season… it was dark. Not in a bad way. It was just mysterious. It was just something I didn’t understand. I had never felt it before. A question. Questions. Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this feeling? Where will I go from here?

Uncertainty? Perhaps. But this was different. I have felt uncertain, undecided. It simply made me uneasy. This was deeper. It is deeper. Just like all the feelings that characterized my life earlier, the feelings were there, but they weren’t. They would shadow over my life at the time no matter where I was. Just like this one is now. This looming uncertainty. Not uncertainty. Am I certain? No, I don’t recall being certain of a lot of things. I know very few things to be true. Only Love can remain true, only God.

So what of this feeling? Is it true? Is something deep inside me trying to tell me something? Am I really that uncertain? What is the mystery? Am I afraid? I’m not sure what I am. I love my life. I love the direction it’s going. I love the people who are helping me to go in that direction. Is something missing? Maybe I’m putting too much stock in these “feelings” of mine, these… strange, unexplainable sentiments.

I don’t know how long this one will be over me. Hopefully not for long… because I, for a time, was certain of my certainty at least. Now, I question it greatly. Where am I really going? What do I love to do? Will answering these questions satisfy this strange feeling? Impossible to know. But I’ll try.

My Lamentations #1

This is the first and possibly the only entry of my lamentations.

Oh my God, they need You. Despite what their lips say, what their actions demonstrate, these people are suffering, they're expiring and dying inside. No, too late, they're already dead!
God, hear their souls cry out from death, from the shadows they live in, they need your hands, they need your being in their lives. God, please care for them, you love them. Hold them, comfort them, God tell them, show them, be there with them. They need to see your love. Open their eyes, awaken them!
After eighteen years, I have witnessed, directly or indirectly, every possible way of suffering. I have seen or heard of the results of so many tragedies that those who don't know you cause. God, why can't we make them listen to your voice? Why won't they hear you? They hurt every day, their souls hurt. Their souls suffer. But in the shadows, their perspective is reversed. They think that their suffering is actually pleasure, and they revel in all that is evil. Show them the light.
God, they're all so lost, and I can't go in without you, because then I too would become lost in the shadows with them. But they need you. They don't need me. God go, go to them somehow, and show them the light. Bring life to the dead, you've done it before, God we need it again now.
It hurts me to know of their suffering, and it hurts me that they don't know that they're suffering. This ignorance is not bliss, it is their eternal curse. I can't stand it, I've wept for people that I don't even know! People that need You. When can I see them transform? When will they see the light? When will they learn that love is the light that will bring them out of their suffering? God, show them please!
My soul cries out for them, and my voice goes to you as well. I want to see some change here. I want to change it myself, but I can't change everything.
God unite us, your people, everyone, so that we may do Your work.
I don't want to lament any longer.
Hear them cry.
Hear me cry.
I don't want to see another day where they don't know who You are.
Let us carry Your light. Let us bring it with us into the shadows. Come with us, let every action of ours reflect who You are. Send us to rescue our brothers and sisters from the enemy. I wish they would all feel like they belonged to you.

Time Flies!!

But I'm back!

Well, I do believe I have finished my first book with a friend of mine. We're getting some people we trust to read over it, and we're getting one person maybe two to proofread it. Then, we look for a publisher, and we try to get the book on the shelves. That would be so awesome!

With that, here's an excerpt from the beginning, enjoy!

"Aubrey paced the giant hall, clutching the crumpled wad of paper, desperate eyes roving all around the marble room searching for inspiration, for answers. So heated was he that his thin crown, if not fitted exactly to his blond head, would have been flung off like a discus long before. This iron band completed his bold features, dispelling any suspicion of his vanity at first sight. While the rest of his family chose crowns of precious metals inlaid with gems, Aubrey had opted for the strong look of iron. It gave him the air of a warrior."

Ha! It's not that much, and it only tells you of one character... anyway, there it is! :D

All that comes with life...

Well, there's a lot of it... I have a pressing question about my journey with my friends... I've been hanging around with a group of kids that I consider to be my best friends. These guys are great, and sure to have my back in any and every situation. I trust them...

But I'm concerned. I've seen the negative effects of careless words and behavior, and the I mean the worst effects of it. My friends, though they don't know it, have been carelessly speaking and saying things that could really hurt people. Okay, they're not that naive, they know they can hurt people with what they're saying. They don't seem to care though, and it makes me a little upset.

Teasing and that kind of stuff is one thing, but they've persisted beyond that. Insults to others are constantly flying from their lips. Things like race, sex, or just subtle differences between themselves and other people set on a barrage of terrible words that can last for ten minutes straight. Although it's just fun in their eyes, it's become monstrously vulgar and offensive speech, and I don't think they have a clue what their words mean.

I'm not saying they sincerely believe what they're saying, but that's just it, I really don't know. It's constant, habitual. One day, they could run into big problems with that kind of talk, and hurt themselves or others. In a few cases, the things they say do end up hurting others that they don't even know, and I know for a fact that that kind of thing is dangerous.

I don't know how to confront them on this issue. Three out of theese four, I believe have a love for God, and have confessed such a thing. Despite that, I just can't stand what their speech has become, and I don't know what to do or say.

Maybe it's no big deal? Or maybe I see that this is hurting people and I need to say something to them...

anyone with helpful words for me? Or them?

This blog...

I was just reading some of my older posts, and I find it incredible what I've done here. I wrote some things that, looking back on them now, I need to get straight back to. My eyes have been dry, and I was having trouble looking at life the way I used to. This is an adventure, and I need to be responsible for my exploits. I have stories to tell, and stories to live. I've been having fun and such, but I need more than fun. It's time to stand up and become who I need to be. I don't know how, but I'm going to try to do whatever it takes. I've got people who can guide me through and teach me everything they can teach me.

Over two years ago I started this blog, and I left it a while ago. I'm sorry for that, but no regrets for me, just lessons learned now. I don't need to dwell on this, but I need to take what I can from it, and use it for God, and for good. I will find out who I am, I will do what God calls me to, and I will fight the fight he has sent me to win. I have a life to live, and my old writings have awakened me again, thank God!

I have so much to share, so much to give, so much that God has sent me to do, and he knows how capable I am better than I do. Whatever he says, I will do, I will say, I will act. My word will be my bond, and my action will reflect that of a gentleman's. I'm almost eighteen, an adult by the standards of American society. I don't want to be a bum, I want to be a hard-working gentleman. So it's time.

There's still time for fun, for friends, for relaxing... but there's so much more time for discovery, adventure, and love for new things and new people.

Love is the quest, the adventure, and I've got to go and express God's love wherever he wants me to. I've got to go. I've got to do.... where first? Where do I go? I need to finish the things I've started, I need to go to the things that God has been calling me to. It's time to face my fears and get back into the battle. Apathy is the enemy, and action is the tool with which I will conquer!

It's not a game, it's a battle. It's time. I'm going. Nothing will stop me. God will help me.

Peace.

I think this is cool...

Which is why I'm writing it, because I said I would write something cool today.

The cool thing is that none of you have to think that this is cool, because that term is very, very subjective. So, I think it's cool, and since it's cool in that sense, it's cool.

The cool thing is the following paragraph:

I was looking at this paragraph, this paragraph that I'm writing, and just saw that it isn't normal... I don't know why, but it looks wrong. Any thoughts as to why it's just plain abnormal? It looks okay, but looking at it again, it's plain to find that most of it is just odd. If it looks wrong, you might say that it's just psychological, as if I got you to think that it's wrong although it actually isn't wrong. But I know for a fact that this paragraph is suspicious.

Hint: the issue with the paragraph has something to do with a certain letter that is used quite frequently in the English language.

Uh, gee, where have I been?

Well, I nearly forgot about this blog here, but no need to fret, I'm back!

Unfortunately, our Mr. Publix has passed away, and will no longer be mentioned on this blog.

On a lighter note, I've joined a band with my friends, and we've played two shows total, and we're hoping to get a lot more and to start raising money for better equipment. Our cymbals are so bad, I've named the high-hat "fail" and the crash "cripple." It's bad.

I'm writing a book with a friend of mine, and we're almost finished, so that's exciting.

Oh, and I have a very different kind of opportunity to learn Portuguese! I love languages, and I hope to learn as many different ones as I can, starting with the Romance languages.

Well, it's summer time, and it's hot down here in Florida. Very, very hot. Anyway, it's pretty late, and I'll come back here tomorrow to write something... cool. Catch y'all later!

:)

:)
:(
:)>~<
:?
I don't know what that last one was.

Sorry everybody.

Open Letter of Apology to The World

Please bear with me, this is long overdue and there's lots of ground
to cover. I want to make sure that I get it all out. Not just for me,
but because I think you need to hear it. Maybe there are other
Christians out there as well that need to make apologies and will find
courage here. I appreciate your time, I know it's valuable.

Dear Members of the World,
I'm just a guy, nobody really. Son of a preacher. Years
and years of Vacation Bible Schools, summer camps, youth ski trips,
puppet shows - you name it. I'm not a bad
guy, I've been mostly behaving myself and everybody seems to like me.
I do some good stuff here and there.

But lately I've been trying to understand Jesus more and stuff I never
noticed before has really started to bug me. I've been taking a look
around and I'm having a hard time making sense of what it is we've
built here. So, it just seemed like, whether anybody else says it or
not, I need to take responsibility for the part I played and say what
I have to say.

Here we go ...

I know you think that Christians are a big bunch of hypocrites. We say
we're more "religious" and we're going to heaven and you're not, and
then we drive our big shiny cars with little fishies on the trunk and
cut you off in traffic as we race by the homeless guy on the corner.
We average just 2% of our money to church and charity, despite that we
say the Bible is the word of God and it says we're supposed to give
everything. On average, we buy just as many big screen TVs and bass
boats and fur coats and makeup and baseball cards and online porn as
anybody else. Maybe more. You've seen leader after leader end up in
jail or court or a sex scandal of one sort or another.

Well ... you're right. We're guilty of all of it. We've done it all.
And, I'm really sorry.

You see our cheesy TV shows and slick guys begging for money and you
get that there's something seriously sneaky and wrong here. A high-
pressure call for money so they can stay on the air? Were we supposed
to use Jesus as just another form of entertainment? Who do we think
we're kidding? Where's Jesus in all this? Aren't we supposed to rely
on him? Isn't He going to meet our needs if we're inside His will?

What happened to sacrifice and suffering and helping the poor? I'm
just sick about this. I mean, the church leaders, they're not all bad
guys, there are lots and lots of really hard-working well-meaning
folks who love and care and are meeting real needs in the community.
Some of them understand and love Jesus - but I'm just real sure those
pastors don't drive Bentley's, have multi-million dollar homes and
their own lear jets! I mean, what "god" are we worshipping? Money?
Ego? Power?

You see our massive shiny new buildings all over the place. Heck,
maybe we even kicked you out of your house so we could expand our
parking lots. You can't figure out why we need four different
Christian churches on four corners of the same intersection. We've got
playgrounds and bowling alleys and basketball leagues. We've got
Starbucks coffee in the sanctuary. We've got orchestras and giant
chandeliers and fountains out front. We've got bookstores full of
"jesus junk" with every imaginable style and flavor of religious knick-
knack. But where's Jesus? Is this what HE wanted?

Oh, sure, there are good folks all over and not every church is such a
mess, but Christians are the ones that say we're supposed to be "One
Body." So even the good ones are guilty of not putting a stop to it
sooner. We were supposed to keep each other in line and not tolerate
factions and dissensions and greed and idolatry and all this other bad
stuff. Man, we really blew it! We've got 33,000 denominations and most
of them won't talk to the other ones. We lose over $5 million a day to
fraud from "trusted" people inside the church! We spend 95% of all our
money on our own comforts and programs and happy family fun time shows
and we let 250 MILLION Christians in other countries live on the very
edge of starvation. Not to mention the billion or so that have never
even once heard of Jesus - or the homeless guy downtown we almost ran
over when we cut you off.

We're as guilty as we can be. All of us. Nobody is exempt. We should
have put a stop to it a lot sooner. But I can't apologize on behalf of
anyone else. This is about me.

I know that you might have gone to church as a kid and stopped going
as soon as you could. I know that you might even have been abused by
somebody in the church! Maybe we got you all fired up and then just
let you drift off like we didn't really care. Maybe you just don't fit
our "profile." You might have piercings and purple hair or tattoos or
been in jail -- and somewhere inside you just know that even if you
wanted to go to church one Sunday, it would not go well. I'm sorry for
that. Jesus loves you. He always hung out with the most unexpected
people. He had the biggest heart for the folks everybody else tried to
ignore. What have we done? We've told you to put on a sweater and some
loafers or you can't go to heaven. I just want to throw up.

Look, I know you're mad. And you have a right to be. We've done you
wrong for a LONG time now. There's some things about Jesus that people
need to hear, but we've buried a beautiful masterpiece under hundreds
of layers of soft pink latex paint. If you have a Bible handy, look up
Matthew 23. (If you don't, you can look it up here - www.BibleGateway.com
.) Find it? Read it carefully, the Pharisees were the "religious"
people of the day, the leaders of the faith. In this chapter Jesus
SEVEN times says how pitiful and wretched and cursed they are for what
they're doing to the people they're supposed to be leading. He even
calls them "white washed tombs of dead mens bones" and a "brood of
vipers"! I don't have time here, but read it and see if we're not
doing EVERY single one of those things. Jesus can't possibly be happy
about what we've done to you.

Sure, we like to kid ourselves and pretend everything is OK - but it's
not. We're hated. Now, please understand, Jesus was hated, too. But
that was because he said hard things and sometimes people don't like
hearing the Truth. And he promised we would be hated if we were like
him. But that's not why we're hated at the moment. We're hated right
now because we're a giant pack of lying hypocrites that say one thing
and do something else altogether. If we were hated because we were
like Jesus, that would be one thing, but that's not it at all. You see
right through our happy music and fluffy services and you can tell
there's something desperately wrong here. We're no different than
anybody else - except that we say we're better than you.

It was never supposed to be like this. Jesus asked us to care for the
widows and orphans, to feed the hungry, care for the sick, visit those
in prison, reach the lost. He wanted us to love our enemies and pray
for them. He cared about human justice and suffering, the lost and
lonely. But I don't think He would have marched on a picket line - He
had His mind on much bigger problems. He wanted us to focus on the
eternal things, not the everyday. He never once said to go into all
the world and build big buildings and divide up into factions and buy
Bentleys. Just the opposite! I get that you're mad at us and I think
you have a right to be, but please understand, you're mad at what
we've made under our own power, you're mad at "Churchianity." That's
different than Christ and what he wanted. Don't be mad at Jesus! This
mess wasn't His idea!

Look, I'm really sorry. I accept responsibility for my part in having
hurt you. But I'm committing to you all, dear Members of the World,
that I'm not going to do it any more. Not a single penny more. I'm not
going to put my faith in "Churchianity" or any leader or program or TV
show -- but in Christ Jesus and His salvation. That's when I was set
free and began to see that God wants and expects more of us than this.
And I'm not helping anybody that's not fully committed to the same
thing.

It took centuries to build this monster, so it's not like it's going
to just turn around overnight. But the times are changing and we're
way overdue for something new. Big bad things are happening - like the
tsunami in Asia - and I think more are coming. I don't want any more
time to go by without having said this. I'm sorry for all the time and
money I've wasted. But Jesus saves. Really. The church itself isn't
even the point. Jesus is the real deal. He lived and He died for my
sins and He rose again. He is who He said He was and He cares about me
- and you. He's our only hope. We need places you can go that will
only teach Jesus and will not be swayed or tempted or distracted by
anything else. God willing, that's coming.

Please don't think all Christians are just posers. Some of them really
mean it when they say they belong to Christ. The problem is mostly in
the West where we're all comfy and complacent and seem to like it that
way. The Christians in China and other places are deadly serious.
There's no room for anything but Jesus when you're on the run from the
government. They are dying every day for their faith and doing crazy
hard things because they're absolutely committed to Christ. These are
martyrs. People willing to crucify little pieces of themselves every
day to be more like Christ. People willing to set aside everything
they want to do what Christ wants. People willing to rot in prison or
take a beating or die if that's what it's going to take. People that
act in pure love and never back down. I'm not worthy to tie their
shoes. And there are some like that here, too, and I hope we can get a
lot more people to start living that way. It's way overdue.

If you're talking to someone and they tell you they're a Christian,
ask them if they're the kind of Christian that really means it all the
time or the kind that just means it on Sunday. The Bible says we'll
know them by their "fruits" - by the faith and purity and love in
their deeds and words. When you find one that proves Christ is in them
by how much they love you, ask them to tell you all about Jesus. If
you know one of those fearless martyrs that speaks nothing but pure,
clean, hard Truth - ask lots of questions. Truth is a lot more rare
than you would think. But don't settle for soft, fluffy and
comfortable anymore - that's not in the Bible.

As for me and my house, we're really sorry. From now on, we're going
to serve the Lord, not "Churchianity." We're going to try to call
together as many of those martyrs as we can and start doing what
Christ wanted. If I run into you someday, please give me a chance to
shake your hand and apologize in person. I'm going to try harder from
now on, I promise. I think there are lots of others feeling the same
way, so don't be surprised if you start hearing stuff like this more
often.

Hey hey hey!

It's been some crazy kind of spring this year! With all the people from out of state coming to our house, and all of the people that live in the state that come regularly, it's been really whacked-out! And now I'm sick. Sinus infection, big time!
:(
I hate it. Really really hate it.

On a big time positive side, I'm car shopping online, and I found a totally awesome one. Unfortunately, blogger is being retarded, so even if I really really really wanted to show you guys what it looked like, I couldn't. I just couldn't.